


The View From Halfway Down

by desinas_ineptire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Alec, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, POV Alec Lightwood, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Sibling Love, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:20:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28800471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desinas_ineptire/pseuds/desinas_ineptire
Summary: When a man is about to fall, to let himself go, he feels free. He stands on a ledge, maybe on a bridge. His toes stick out, as they untouch the overpass, already feeling the void under. And he stands there, feeling the breeze, the air caressing his face, his hair. The view is sublime. He feels like the Wanderer above the Sea of Fog, a defeated protagonist in front of the enormity of nature.Alec wants to kill himself, but he didn't think about the view from halfway down
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 2
Kudos: 63





	The View From Halfway Down

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first attempt at writing anything not school related. 
> 
> Before I say anything I want to clarify that the poem "The View From Halfway Down" is NOT mine. It's featured in the episode 15 of the sixth season of Bojack Horseman: an amazing show, so underrated. I really suggest you to watch it.  
> I got inspired by that scene in which the poem is told: it's so heartbreaking and makes you think about suicide and life.  
> Also I got inspired (and I talk about it too) by Friedrich's masterpiece "the Wanderer above the Sea of Fog". I paint since I was 4 and I loove this painting, so I decided to include it. 
> 
> Ok going back to me: I have never written a fanfiction before and I really hope you enjoy it! Also english is like my third language, so I am pretty sure this thing is full of mistakes. Please let me know if I made any huge mistake. I am more than happy to learn new things and how to write properly in english
> 
> This going to be sad. Sorry about that
> 
> Hope you like it! Stay safe and happy new year (I know I'm late but let's keep celebrating 2020 being over pls)
> 
> I don't own any character, or the poem at the beginning

_**"The weak breeze whispers nothing** _

_**The water screams sublime"** _

_**"His feet shift teeter-totter** _

_**Deep breath, stand back, it's time"** _

_**"Toes untouch the overpass** _

_**Soon he's water bound"** _

_**"Eyes locked shut but peek to see** _

_**The view from halfway down"** _

_**"A little wind, a summer sun** _

_**a river rich and regal"** _

_**"A flood of fond endorphins** _

_**Brings a calm that knows no equal"** _

_**"You're flying now** _

_**You see things much more clear Than from the ground"** _

_**"It's all okay, it would be,** _

_**Were you not now halfway down"** _

_**"Thrash to break from gravity** _

_**What now could slow the drop?"** _

_**"All I'd give for toes to touch The safety back at top"** _

_**"But this is it, the deed is done** _

_**Silence drowns the sound"** _

_**"Before I leaped I should have seen The view from halfway down"** _

_**"I really should have thought About the view from halfway down"** _

_**"I wish I could have known About the view from halfway down"** _

_**[gone.]** _

**-Bojack Horseman, episode 15 season 6**   
  
  


When a man is about to fall, to let himself go, he feels free. He stands on a ledge, maybe on a bridge. His toes stick out, as they untouch the overpass, already feeling the void under. And he stands there, feeling the breeze, the air caressing his face, his hair. The view is sublime. He feels like the Wanderer above the Sea of Fog, a defeated protagonist in front of the enormity of nature. 

_“ This feels right”_

What he sees it’s perfect. The perfect ending to a miserable life. All he can think about is “It’s time”. But he forgets something. Every man who’s about to fall forgets about the View From Halfway Down.

When a man is about to kill himself, he closes his eyes, shutting from the world ending. He hugs the feeling of freedom 

_“I’m flying!”_

He opens his arms, falling, flying, and with them he opens his eyes to get one last shot of that perfect view. But what he sees is the View From Halfway Down. 

And no, _no no no_ , it’s not perfect. It’s terrifying. He wants to live! He wants to fix everything! He wants the view before falling. But what can stop him? Gravity is unstoppable, invincible. When you start falling, there is no going back. 

_"Before I leaped I should have seen the view from halfway down"_

_I really should have thought about the view from halfway down"_

Maybe he thought about it before, but he never saw it, never understood how awful it is. It's so, so different from every view he had seen before.

_"I wish I could have known about the view from halfway down"_

Because every man who sees the view from halfway down, starts to live a new life, with new eyes and new spirit.

  
  


Alec always thinks about it, about falling. When he feels embarrassed about his fighting skills, never perfect enough. Embarrassed about how he thinks about men, about his own parabatai. Shadowhunters shouldn’t have these thoughts, not about men, but about beautiful women. Embarrassed that he doesn't desire his fiancé, never kissed her, never loved her enough. Embarrassed that he isn’t enough.

_“You are bringing shame upon this family, Alexander!”_

_“Your father and I are so disappointed in you, Alexander.”_

_“Maybe your mother was right and your best just isn’t good enough!”_

He finds himself on the roof, looking at the city.

Then he thinks about Izzy's beautiful and perfect makeup, ruined by tears. She can’t be this young and this sad. 

He thinks about Jace, handsome Jace, perfect Jace, without a part of his soul, looking like an empty shell, losing that smile. He thinks about his family and how broken it’ll be.

So Alec goes back inside and trains until he can’t breathe. Until he finally gets rid of his thoughts without seeing the View From Halfway Down. 

But again, you can’t just think about others. You have to think about the view. That damn view, where the water gets too close, the air too thick and all you want to do is breathe.

But Alec Lightwood is a selfless man, never thinks about himself. 

One day, at a party for his young brother, he feels it again. 

He’s supposed to be happy. He has a wonderful boyfriend, lovely siblings, and even the two annoying former mundanes aren’t that bad. Everyone is starting to notice that he likes men, and finally he doesn't have to hide that. 

But something, a fog, starts to blind him. That fog, that damn fog that Friedrich painted so sublimely, was there, making him forget about his sister, his parabatai, his family, about Magnus. 

What’s this fog? Why now? Why so blinding?

Usually he can look through it, but not today. 

He feels so guilty, so numb. The numbness is what drives him to his worst. It’s what makes him want to dip his toes back into the pool of the ocean he’s been drowning in for years. 

He wants to surrender so badly. He can’t take this anymore, it’s too much. Alec Lightwood has been a suicidal man all his fucking life and he always managed to lower the caos in his mind. But right now? It’s so so loud. He wants to stop. He wants to be deaf. His mind blurs, all he can hear is _“you’re a murderer Alec”_

_“I can’t”_

Yes, he can

_“They won't miss me, I’m such a mess”_

They love him

_“No one loves a murderer”_

_“No one wants a weak man”_

**_“I want to die”_ **

Alec looks at that beautiful view on the city for what he thinks it’ll be the last time. Then he faces Clary’s angry face to look at her one last time, an image of the consequences of his mistakes. And he lets himself fall.

He’s falling, and he has no control of stopping now.

He falls while closing his eyes. He opens them for a second to see it, the view from halfway down.

That fog, that spell, disappears. He sees the sky getting farther and closer at the same time and he realizes that he’s falling and there is no way of stopping it. 

_"What am I doing?"_

**_"Stop this!"_ **

But he can’t, his family can’t, no one-

He feels familiar magic hugging him. Magnus is trying to defeat gravity.

Alec closes his eyes again and before passing out all he can think about is “I never want to see this again”

  
  


Since then, every time he drifts back into that space where his breathing feels off and his body feels foreign, he thinks about how terrifying is the View from Halfway down, how it’s never worth it. Not when he has his family and Magnus. And he starts breathing again. 

For the first time he’s not suicidal. He’s what that man represents in the painting: a fierce man, not afraid of the immensity of the majestic landscape. It’s the only View he wants to see.


End file.
